*Wink*

I was at a bar with some friends from high school last night, both of them ladies. I took it upon myself to wink at them lecherously at every opportunity, which they (for some reason) did not appreciate. They said it was creepier than normal winking in a way that could not be articulated. “Here,” said Kate (one of my friends), “I’ll take a picture of you winking with my SUPER FANCY CAMERA and you’ll see.”

Aww, look at that. Adorable! I don’t look creepy or lecherous at all; I simply look like I’m cluing you in on a joke or some light-hearted scheme. Kate and Amy agreed. This does not capture the creepy, pervy-old-man quality of my wink. “Try licking your lips suggestively,” Kate commanded.

No, not this either. This just looks like maybe someone punched me in the eye and I have a bit of barbecue sauce in my moustache. No lecherism here.

We were stumped. How could we capture the terror created in the panties of my friends when I wink? “I know!” I proclaimed and produced this, which allowed us to record this:

THERE it is! We watched this video many times and determined there are three factors that make this a CREEPY, LECHEROUS WINK:

1. I am winking
2. I nod my head slightly and when my head is fully down, that is when I wink. The wink is a lecherous punctuation to a creepy nod.
3. After I wink and nod, there is a vague, sheepish smile.

And thus, further evidence that Art is a pervy old man.

An Unusual Drink Option

When you order many small samples of beers or scotches or wines with the intention of sampling a wide variety, that is called a “flight.” Scotch flight, beer flight, etc. Usually there will be a theme, like a Highlands flight for scotch, or an import flight for beer.

Well, evidently at Jake’s Sports Cafe in Plymouth, you can have all the white people move out of your neighborhood:

Look What I Can Do

People in my family have had a talent I have always thought was pretty routine: we can hang spoons from our noses. A spoon was brought to a bar I was drinking at about a week ago, so I put it on my nose. Some of my friends were able to do this too (I was actually not even the first one to dangle the spoon from my nose that evening). Other of my friends thought it was weird. It’s not weird:

And just in case you think this is some sort of optical illusion, check it:

There is no chin-resting. That is all spoon-on-nose friction holding that sucker on. And just in case you think this is something that requires me to sit perfectly still, no, it is not that either. I can walk around, turn my head from side to side, and even sing God Bless America at the Uptown VFW:

I look forward to hanging a spoon from my nose in many new and exciting locales. I will even teach you how to do this yourself… if you have the nose for it!