Preface (not disclaimer): I believe this may be slightly LiveJournal-reminiscent but, in the spirit of silencing my inner editor, I will share with you my thoughts.
Allow me to reflect on my romantic life for a moment. It has come to my attention, after reading Emily’s post, that I have not had a date in a single-digit number of months. I’m not complaining exactly; since I am a victim of the economy I’ve been living at home in Plymouth, which means A) I am about 100% less sexy than I might otherwise be, and B) I have nowhere to take girls I have ticked into finding me attractive (no, I will not bring them to my mother’s house) (yes I am 24 and I live at home. I know. I am eternally embarrassed by this). I have thus kept a sort of low profile, romantically. I mean, why get a girl interested only to reveal to her that I am a pariah.
But I have been working at TLC for about a year now and I have finally achieved what I have sought since I graduated from college: medium-term job security. This has allowed me to start looking for apartments of my own, which also means I am finally happy to put myself back out there. The problem, then, is meeting people.
I don’t do bars. I mean, I do bars; I go to bars. I love bars. I’m just very skeptical of meeting women in bars and so don’t really make an effort to talk to them there. To quote the Dead Milkmen, I came here to drink, not to get laid. And recent holiday parties produced exactly zero new Single Female (Lawyer) acquaintances. There are a couple parties coming up where I may or may not meet people, and I hold great hope for them. But tonight, I want to talk about you: The Internet.
Anywhere between 25 and we’ll say 55 of you read my blog (I know this to be true). In accordance with my comment section commitment on Conner’s blog (which is legally binding), I am in search of your help in setting up blind dates. I have never been on a blind date (and if I have I do not remember it or I failed so miserably that it forced me to repress the memory). Or maybe, since you read this blog, you might want to go on a date with me. That might be pretty cool too.
Let me be clear in what I’m looking for: I am not looking for a wife. I’m not even sure I’m looking for something long-term (let me rephrase: I am looking for something long term, but I’m looking for it eventually. I’m 24 damnit, prime of life. I’m not anxious to be done dating for significant periods of time) As per cajoling in the comments section, I will unequivocally state: I am looking for a serious relationship.
So here are two different sales pitches. One I find hilariously depressing and one that is sincere but also probably pretty depressing.
1. I am a single, balding, un(der)employed Star Trek fan who lives with his mother.
2:
- I work for a nonprofit (linked above) for whom I do communications work
- I have a four-year degree from an ACCREDITED university,
- I am a penniless writer (in the romantic, Ewan McGreggor in Moulan Rouge sort of way),
- I’m clever, charming, and witty
- I have a luxiourious manbeard
- I have a cat (who Date probably won’t meet until I get my own place–very soon!)
- I’m probably more awkward than Date which will help Date feel better about herself
- I live every day, I embrace risk and adventure and shun boredom
- I make puns
- I laugh (a lot) (not obnoxiously)
- I have a great creepy wink
- I am at the same time a total pretentious fuck and completely down to earth and unpretentious (yes, really)
- I know how to use commas
- I write for the Minneapolis Metblog
- although I am balding I know how to cut my hair so it’s not ass-ugly
- I can be pretty thoughtful
- Oh, here’s a good one: I am not interested in sex on the first date
- I teach Sunday School, where I teach kids that God is Love and Joy, there is no hell, and that it is always better to be skeptical (I am an Episcopalian)
- I’m a pretty big nerd, enjoying much science fiction, politics, books, music, movies, and comedy in all its forms
I guess the rest you can gather from this blog. For example, I’m not great at knowing women’s shoe brands, but I am pretty good at making an effort.
Ok, so you should set me up on a date with your friend (or you, if you’re into it) if:
Essential:
- Like (or at least tolerate) puns. Seriously.
- I must find Date attractive
- To that point, I suppose it may be politically incorrect to say, but no fat chicks. If Date can be described–with a straight face–as “normal,” that is what I want
- On the flip side, no Twiggies. I do not want to snap Date in half.
- Good eyes (as in, not ugly eyes–I don’t know how to articulate this one. Most people’s eyes are just fine.)
- Be culturally literate. Be able to list a favorite book (or at least be reading a book) other than Twilight or Harry Potter
Preferred:
- I likes me some pale girls
- I have never dated a girl with red or dark brown/black hair. That would be kind of neat
- I have never dated a girl with curly hair. That would also be kind of neat.
- I have never dated a girl taller than 5′4″. Even 5′6″ would be pretty neat.
- Glasses. I have a thing for them.
- I already have a crush on Date if she likes: Mel Brooks, Steve Martin, or George Carlin
- I like girls who are themselves nerds. Being really into Harry Potter as Date’s sole nerd credential DOES NOT COUNT
You know what, I’m going to cut myself off there. My standards are ridiculously high. That’s probably why I don’t have many dates, eh?
So, do you know any single ladies who wouldn’t be totally repulsed by me?
