On Women’s Shoes

Today I tried to buy a Christmas present for my sister. It did not work.

I called her last week and asked her what she wanted. “I told you!” she replied, reminding me of an email she had sent me saying she wanted seasons 1-3 of the popular 1990s television program Friends. “No,” I said, “That is a boring gift. What else do you want?” She said she wanted a specific pair of shoes from Macy’s and that she would email me the exact details.

She did not email me these details, so this morning I called her and asked her for the details so I could write them down. This is what I heard:

First of all, yes, I did put the stars in for the name “MACY’S.” I wasn’t sure if they used an apostrophe or not, so I put in a star and an apostrophe, and stars around the apostrophe just to be safe. Corporate identity is important, you guys. (After looking it up just now, it seems I’ve erred hilariously: there is only one star, and it takes the place of the apostrophe. Heh.)

Secondly, evidently if you’re a woman you’ve probably already noticed something wrong: there is no such brand as “DCBG.” The correct brand is BCBG, which I had never heard of before. In my dyslexia, I thought DCBG was some sort of Dolce and Gabbana (which I had misspelled just now and had to look up in Google) abbreviated-chic sub-brand. It is not.

And let me just say, I’ve spent years honing a very fine understanding of booties. I have many opinions and much knowledge on the subject of booties. Sadly, none of this came in handy this afternoon.

Nonetheless, armed with the information on the paper, I went to the mall. I followed the signs to the women’s shoe section at the Ridgedale Macy’s, and I looked around for the shelf with the DCBG shoes (I had not yet learned that there was no such brand). They were nowhere to be found, so I looked around this partition to see if there were more shoes on the other side of it, and there was another area just as big as the first area. I thought this made a little more sense, as women’s shoes are a very popular item. This seemed like a more appropriate size for a shoe section in a department store.

As my search continued, I discovered another four sections as big as the first two.

After my disorientation (yes, really) at the size of the shoe section, I was able to find and ask a salesperson about the shoes I was looking for. “Do you have DCBG high heeled booties with a quilt pattern?” I asked, feeling absolutely ridiculous for stringing those words together and praying she knew what the hell I was talking about. Because I had no idea.

“Um, do you mean BCBG?”

“Yeah, sure. I probably do.”

She asked me what color and size I was looking for–questions I had neglected to ask my sister. “Bring me a size… seven! In brown and black. I’ll decide after looking at them.” I then quickly called my mom’s cell, and she provided me with the facts: black, size eight. Close enough.

After a few minutes of being in the back the salesperson approached me and said “I’m sorry, we don’t have any more.” I asked her, “Brown and black? Size seven? Because I need a size eight.” and she said, “No, none of any color or size. Sorry.”

This was a very disappointing end to my saga at the Ridgedale Macy’s. I will try the Southdale and Mall of America Macy’s locations this weekend, but who knows. I may have to buy some boring DVDs instead.

SHUT UP, NERDLINGER

Just recently I became a fan of Dungeons and Dragons on the social networking website Face Book Dot Com. News of this on my “wall” prompted my friend JERKASS ENEMY to proclaim “NEEEEERRRRDDD.”

Well, yes, that’s fine. Except that during my last (and longest) d20 campaign, he was the DM

I am, by the contemporary definition, a TOTAL FUCKING NERD. Wikipedia defines “nerd” as:

… a term often bearing a derogatory connotation or stereotype, that refers to a person who passionately pursues intellectual activities, esoteric knowledge, or other obscure interests that are age inappropriate rather than engaging in more social or popular activities. Therefore, a nerd is often excluded from physical activity and considered a loner by peers, or will tend to associate with like-minded people.

This is pretty accurate. I have a degree in political science (intellectual activities), I have often boasted about my knowledge of Simpson’s trivia (esoteric knowledge), and I have a vast mp3 collection of TV theme songs and commercial jingles (other obscure interests). But I am unsatisfied with this. Just because I like politics, a very popular television show, and I went on two downloading sprees in 10th grade, does that make me a nerd?

I fit into a few other nerd categories: Star Trek fan (two conventions plus autographs; I also own—very proudly—all of TNG on DVD), Star Wars fan (made a point to watch the second Robot Chicken Star Wars special, and that’s about it), Fire Fly fan, (new) Battlestar Galactica fan, Dr. Horrible fan, D&D veteran and aspirant (I’ve even played WoW a few months at a time), I like to read and I went to the Perpich Center for Arts Education to study writing in high school—which I think makes me a lit nerd, I’m making an effort to start reading more comic books and graphic novels, I work for a nonprofit which makes me a policy nerd, I read a lot of news which makes me a news junkie (a form of nerd), I blog and use Twitter which makes me a very low-degree tech nerd, plus I love I love the Discovery and History channels. I love Weird Al and They Might Be Giants. Not to mention my undying devotion to and analysis of comedy. I am a HUGE comedy nerd. (Two words: Mel Brooks.)

Hell, I quote Wikipedia in blog posts.

So, by all accounts I’m a nerd, right? A total fucking filthy nerd. Oh right, add to the list that I don’t really work out, so I’m not super physical (at the moment).

But here’s the problem: I’m a total dude. I’m really witty and pretty charming. I love baseball. I socialize with friends really often. I socialize with really fucking cool friends who are really smart and are in bands and are poets and are very attractive and are also very witty and charming. I am very much not a loner. I used to be a loner—a little bit—but I haven’t even felt as socially awkward as I have most of my life recently. I go to parties and I talk to people I don’t know! I get (very attractive) girls’ phone numbers sometimes!

So, either I break the mold or there’s a problem with the definition. I say there’s a problem with the definition.

The Wikipedia definition, I think, tries to pile too much onto the label of “nerd.” I think I can agree with everything having to do with the love of the intellectual pursuit and reveling in obscure knowledge. Hell, what nerd doesn’t love playing trivia games? The problem, I think, is with the “loner” aspect. Just because you’re a nerd doesn’t mean you’re not a total badass who people love hanging out with. You could even be a great lover! You could be really good at having sex and also be a total goddamn nerd. It’s true. I’ve seen it happen. The problem with the Wikipedia definition is that it lumps these totally badass nerds (me, my friends) in with the goddamn loser-nerds (unfit to be called nerds, I’d say).

So, here’s the solution: people like me—people who are really excited for the new Star Trek movie because it looks totally badass, not just because it’s Star Trek (although that really helps. I did go through the latest trailer frame by frame with a friend of mine to see if we could figure anything out about the plot—and we did!)—let’s start calling them nerds straight up, and let’s call these goddamn loner-nerds something else. I don’t know. How about, um, “losers” or “loners” or one of the many other words that already exists to describe people who do not interact well with society at large, despite their “obscure interests.”